Ashamed
by piove
Summary: What do you do when the one you love, that you would do anything for, is ashamed of you? SLASH HPSS Oneshot AU. Please don't read if you don't like the pairing, it'll only cause grief for you and me.


Disclaimer: However hard I wish, Harry Potter will never be mine. SLASH, Oneshot SS/HP

Beware of stinky writing. Comments and criticisms are always welcome.

This story wouldn't have come about without my beta, Ishy. hugs her tight and kisses her on the cheek

**Ashamed**

Severus knocked on the door of a small quaint house.

"I'm coming!"

Harry opened the door and his entire figure froze.

"Good afternoon." Severus said trying to catch Harry's eye.

"Wh-What could you possibly want?" Harry asked taking a small step back.

Severus swallowed," I came here to-" He took a breath and said with difficulty, "I came here to make you an offer."

Harry narrowed his eyes at Severus. "Excuse me?"

"Need I repeat myself?" Severus snapped.

"For your information, I heard you perfectly and even if I asked you to repeat yourself, you probably wouldn't have had the courtesy to do so." Harry retorted.

Severus frowned; Harry never spoke to him like this.

"I see you're not going to make this easy for me."

"Is there a reason I should?" Harry said slowly while looking at Severus as if he were an idiot.

"Look, I just wanted to apologize and – " Severus hesitated.

Harry closed the door behind him as he stepped outside. He crossed his arms.

"And what Severus? And wanted to know if I would be so kind as to disabuse anyone's notions of us even being acquaintances? Not to taint your renewed reputation more? Oh, don't worry-"

"That's NOT what I was going to say." Severus cut in angrily and hastily looked away.

Harry looked at Severus and said with mock sincerity, "Oh my, then tell me. Enlighten me on what you were going to say."

"I was going to ask you if you would.."Severus looked into Harry's eyes, "come back."

Harry looked as if he was going to be sick.

"Go back to what exactly?"

"Dammit boy, to me! Come. Back. To. Me. Don't make it this harder for me than it already is." Severus said with both hands clenched.

Harry could do nothing but stare at Severus. His face went from pure sickness to pure anger.

His gaze dropped to the ground and his body was incredibly tense with fury.

"After everything you've done to me, you have the nerve to come here and ask me to go back to you?"

Severus looked bewildered. "Everything I've done to you? What exactly have I done?" he asked curtly.

Harry grit his teeth so hard Severus could hear them and he slowly looked up at Severus.

"That is it. What have you done to me? You want to know exactly WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?" Harry's eyes were burning with rage.

Severus, wide-eyed, stepped back when he saw Harry's face.

"Oh no you don't. You asked and now ye shall receive." Harry said with a crazed smile.

Harry looked to the side. "If you recall, every time we went out together, you would let go of my hand and walk away from me. Every. Time. It cut me to pieces. I asked you if you were ashamed of us and do you remember what you said to me?"

Severus squinted his eyes trying to remember.

Harry snorted. "Figures, you probably just threw any sorry excuse you could find to just shut me up. You said, 'If you pay more attention to your surroundings more often rather than daydream all the time, maybe you'd realize that wizards are just less accepting of gays.' "

Harry's eyes lost focus as if he was reliving that moment. He shook his head.

"I figured that since you and I were planning to publish books, you probably just had the best intentions. I also knew that this was one of your chances to make yourself known and to start off with a clean reputation. So I told myself to stop being selfish even though it felt like poison flowing through my blood whenever you stayed away from me as if I were diseased."

Severus crossed his arms.

"Well I was right wasn't I? The book got my reputation cleaned and yours wasn't tainted, every wizard and witch has a copy of your book-"

"Ohhh, I'm far from finished, Severus." Harry said bringing hiseyes upward, they were blazing and laced with hurt. "I'm just getting started."

"When you wrote your book, you wanted it done quickly. You wanted to finish writing it within a year. Day after day, I kept you going whenever you became frustrated, I always made your meals, cleaned your messes when you slept, for MERLIN'S SAKE, I was the one that physically CARRIED YOU TO BED every night when you fell asleep on your work."

Harry looked to the sky. "But it came with the package. You were worth it. Or that's what I thought at the time. Whatever you wanted, I would do anything. I actually wanted to get my book released at the same time as yours. Call it whatever you want, Gryffindor sentimentality, idiocy, whatever. I just wrote whenever I had time everyday. It wasn't much…but I forced myself to stay up to do it. But you came first."

Still staring at the sky, Harry asked, "Do these words sound familiar to you? I will do anything I can to make you happy."

Severus nodded, "that's what you said to me when you first told me you wanted to be with me, it was your promise."

"And I kept it." Harry said firmly. Severus said nothing.

Harry took a deep breath.

"Do you remember that while you were writing your book, I even rejected going out with my friends at all, even on my birthday? Hell, you forgot about my birthday, but I kept telling myself that your book was what was important right now. I see now..that I sacrificed more than what was necessary."

"Well, that was your own fault. Who told you to-"

"STOP! Don't even try, just SHUT.UP." Harry snarled. "You are on my doorstep uninvited and certainly unwelcome. You're the one that wants to know everything. So you will kindly keep your irrelevant comments TO YOURSELF."

Severus closed his mouth with a click and sneered at Harry.

Harry took in a shaky breath before he continued. "Do you remember the banquet you were given for the publication of your book?"

"Yes you had one too."

"I know that!" Harry snapped. Severus blinked but said nothing.

"Do you remember when you told me not to go? How..adamant you were? You told me to take this chance to finish my book. I thought you were being generous, I see now that you were just grasping at straws to keep me at home."

"I don't see how this has to do with anything."

"It has to do with EVERYTHING." Harry yelled.

"And why is that? Hm? You should be thanking me for giving you more time to write on your book."

"Thank..thank .. THANK YOU? YOU BASTARD!" Harry lost all of his control.

"I went that night you son of a bitch. I went to surprise you, to support you.

Severus stopped breathing and paled considerably.

Harry laughed harshly and looked to the sky again.

"Imagine my surprise when I saw you there with Draco on your arm, introducing him as your..your partner to everyone. I thought maybe it was just because he was your godson. Maybe that's why."

Severus winced, "Harry.."

Harry shot him a dark look that dared him to open his mouth to make more excuses.

"Imagine how wrong I was and how my heart was torn piece by piece when you said that you owed Draco everything. That he was with you ever step of the way, that without him, the book was not possible."

Severus whispered, "You weren't supposed to hear that."

Harry burst out laughing again that chilled Severus to the core. "Well life is just ironic like that, isn't it? My dear Severus, do you know what else I overheard?"

Severs could only swallow.

Harry leaned in with coldness pouring off in waves from his being.

"When a reporter asked about the time you were seen with me, do you remember what you said?" Harry whispered with such mock sweetness it made Severus pale further.

"You sneered, oh how you sneered. I saw it from the back of the room, from the shadows no less. And if that wasn't enough, you said, 'Why would anyone taint themselves with the presence of Boy Wonder's stupidity. I loathe him, and where he is or has been I do not know nor do I care. You clearly were mistaken.'."

Severus breathed shakily.

Harry closed his eyes and looked up to the sky. "I'm not going to give you the honor of telling you how I reacted. Let's just leave that to your imagination shall we? I'm too tired to elaborate."

"Listen, if you think Draco and I were together, then you are more foolish than I thought. He only agreed to be my partner for the night. Trust a Potter to jump to conclusions." Severus said condescendingly, but on the inside he was dying.

Harry looked murderous. "Did you clog your ears so that you only heard what you wanted to? Did you only listen when you wished? HOW. COMMON. OF. YOU. I slaved away for you. I was with you the entire time so there was NO WAY that Draco had anything with you. Besides, I know that he's with Blaise. Blaise has been my friend for quite some time and he- you know what you don't even need to know. Let's just get back to the fact that you lied to me, you were ashamed of me, insulted my very existence. ME! You're lover, companion, your -"

Here, Harry swallowed while he relived the pain. "-number one fan."

"What's more is that I thought it was my fault. Perhaps…I didn't do enough to convey to you that I loved you. That, somewhere I went wrong and didn't love you enough to the point where you would cherish me, be proud to be with me, to LOVE ME." Harry cried out.

Severus looked every bit as crushed as he felt, he reached out to hug Harry, to comfort him as he neglected to do whilst Harry was his. Harry recoiled.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" He screamed and Severus cringed at the raw hurt resounding in Harry's voice.

Harry had tears streaming down his cheeks. "I wanted to make it clear at my banquet. I wrote you a speech that took me weeks to say everything perfectly. It was dedicated solely to you."

"I went, didn't I?"

Harry's face twisted into pure hatred. Severus had never seen anything more terrifying in his entire life.

"Severus, oh Severus, the things you think I don't know. I got up on that podium trying to make my speech. You were sitting with your gaze out the window. You weren't even remotely interested. I thought maybe in the middle of my speech, you would deem me worthy, that I would succeed in making you proud of me."

Harry's eyes shone with great pain as he tried not to hyperventilate.

"The only thing that went wrong was that by the middle of my speech you weren't even in the room, and you never came back," he whispered.

Harry swallowed and tried very hard to rein his emotions, but he knew it was futile, for he was never good at it.

"But the show had to go on. I finished my speech. You would think that the people would've done something awfully maudlin like coo at me or something." Harry let out a hollow chuckle. "Instead, they looked at one another and everyone had a question for me."

**Flashback**

_'Why does he keep on denying that you're even acquaintances, never mind companions?'_

_'He claims that he hates you.'_

_'He says that he doesn't care if you are dead or alive.'_

_'Where is he now?'_

_'Why didn't he stay for your speech?'_

_'Is this feeling of companionship one-sided?'_

**End Flashback**

The tears came back full force, and Harry didn't stop them as he was too enveloped in his pain to notice, much less care.

Harry continued, " The statements kept coming and all I could hear was my heart pumping, my heart getting weaker and weaker. Hermione had to stop the questions and actually guide me away from everyone. I didn't even know where we were going. I guess she lead me down the hallway telling the twins to not let anyone follow us."

Severus was stunned. He didn't know that Harry was aware of any of this. He wasn't supposed to have known about the speech. There was as time when Severus was indeed ashamed of Harry, and he did everything in his power to keep their relationship hidden. It sounds so wrong to his ears now, but that was the truth. He came out of his own self-pitying when he saw that Harry was yet to finish.

"Ron apparated out of nowhere. But I'm sure you can understand that I wasn't in my right mind at that moment. He told me that he had followed you. He kept his eye on you all night."

Severus raised his eyebrow and scathingly replied, "I would've seen someone staring at me or keeping an eye on me all night. Someone with Weasley's intelligence could never spy on someone like me."

Harry glared at Severus. "Fred and George gave specially made glasses to Ron. He told me of this when I asked how he kept an eye on you. These glasses let him see through one lense normally, but in the other was like a security camera that kept its lens on the one that carried its counterpart. The counterpart is very tiny and can be attached simply by pressing it on the person. However, it's very easy to remove."

Severus raised an eyebrow and said mockingly, "I don't think I recall ever putting a small tiny piece of rubbish on myself."

Harry snorted and sneered at him. "I thought you were the observant one. Don't you remember when Fred and George came up to you and gave you that 'hearty' pat on the back?"

Severus' eyes widened in acknowledgement.

Harry simply ignored this in favor of getting his tale over with. He was tired and did NOT want to be out here explaining himself to Severus.

"He followed you to the house that night after he saw you apparate. Ron had such an ashen face, I had feared the worst. I feared that you left early that night to meet another lover. Ron quickly told me that that wasn't it. He told me, 'Harry, he apparated home to sleep.'."

Severus was looking everywhere but at Harry.

Harry let out a laugh that turned out to be half a sob. "I asked what was wrong with that. I thought maybe, just maybe, you were tired. Even I picked up your habit: grasping at straws."

**Flashback**

"_Dammit Harry!" _

_Both Hermione and Harry jumped as Ron hit the wall beside them quite hard._

"He left while you were giving your speech. The speech that you worked hours and hours on end on. You went to this crap function just to be able to read that speech. Don't you understand? He didn't care about it. He's ashamed. He saw you on that podium and LEFT!"

Harry froze. "I-I don't understand..why, why would he do that? How do you know he's ashamed?"

_Ron shook his head with his gaze on the floor. "I have Fred and George to thank for that. They put something else on him. Fred put the counterpart for the glasses on Snapem, and George put a very high-tech, a very 'only-for-family-' counterpart on him. Long story short, I had to put this small black thing on my temple and had to mentally reach for its counterpart. This let me ..technically be Snape."_

_Harry and Hermione looked at each other confused._

_Ron continued, "I felt his emotions. I didn't exactly read his mind, but trust me, I had no doubt of what he was thinking and feeling. No doubt at all." Ron trailed off quietly._

_He turned his eyes to Harry and grasped his shoulders. _

"_Do you know what I felt? I felt ashamed of you., I felt the burning embarrassment of seeing you up on the podium, expecting you to stumbled over your words, to fail. Harry, I was ashamed of you." Ron said looking as if he were going to be sick._

**End Flashback**

Harry kept going, not letting Severus have a word in. He wanted this trip down memory lane to be over now.

"I went home in a daze and confronted you about it.". You didn't want to talk, so I kept talking."

He looked Severus in the eye, seeing the confusion.

"I'm skipping events obviously because I want this shit to be cleared up, and for you to get out of here as soon as I finish."

Harry saw Severus' extreme hurt pass through his eyes. The sudden impulse he had was to make it up to him, to say he was sorry, to do something to make him happy. But he just looked away.

"I poured my heart out to you telling you how much I tried, this was my last desperate attempt. But you ended up kicking me out. Telling me that you didn't love me because I was trying to change you, and that I wasn't enough for you. I didn't even know what hit me. Looking back, I guess you were ashamed even to hear me say that I loved you. It probably hurt your ears. Quite literally, you threw me out. Everything I owned was abruptly thrown out of my house, and you changed the wards by the time I came to reality. I tried once with my wand, and I was thrown back so far that I dared not try it again. You should've seen the damage I did to myself. The amount of blood shed right in front of your home. I kept trying to break in, crying, screaming, ramming into the wards that violently threw me to the grounds. By the time I stopped, my clothes were in tatters, and I had wounds all over from trying to break through the wards with my body. I fainted promptly. My knight in shining armor actually came. He felt what I was doing to myself when I was trying to break through the wards due to a charm he cast on me many years ago. He took care of me and helped me heal."

Harry sighed as he finished his story. He looked over at Severus who was slightly trembling and was pale, but he had his impassive face on.

Severus reached out to touch Harry's cheek, but winced when Harry immediately stepped away from the offending hand.

"I'm done, Severus. I gave up everything for you. And I only asked you to be proud to be with me, to willingly stand by my side." Harry opened the door to his house. Right before he closed it he said to Severus, "Maybe one day you'll see that I'm someone to be cherished and respected."

Severus could only stare as the door shut.

"I see that now." He slowly walked away and out of Harry's life.

Back in the house Harry was trying to wipe his tears away. He stopped when he heard clapping.

"I'm proud of you."

He turned around to find Remus sitting on the staircase.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to hear all that."

"I know. I figured that out when you closed the door behind you. Silly brat, even the door can't block out your voices," Remus said with a soft smile.

He got up and walked towards Harry and held the young man tight. He closed his eyes, breathing in his scent.

He pulled away slightly so he could look at Harry. "Are you alright?"

Harry smiled warmly at Remus.

"I couldn't be better. You were right, I had to face my past."

He moved in slowly so that he was right by Remus' lips.

"Now I can get on with my future. How cliché was that?" He laughed lightly, and with that he kissed Remus for all he was worth.

_"For it so falls out_

_That what we have we prize not to the worth_

_Whiles we enjoy it, but being lacked and lost_

_Why then we lack the value, then we find_

_The virtue that possession would not show us_

Whiles it was ours."

-Much Ado About Nothing

A/N: This is dedicated to Svyet, who deserves to be cherished and loved, and also deserves all the happiness in the world.


End file.
